i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
