Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
we're so committed to being not committed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
