ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
