Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
