The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
