I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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