So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
