saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
