Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
