i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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