Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
