Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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