I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
