ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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