a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I feel great
I just peed on a car
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
