WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
