My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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