Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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