I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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