Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
