11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
