If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
