I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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