Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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