her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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