my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
