I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
