Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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