Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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