My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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