i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize