how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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