I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
