dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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