After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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