6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
