you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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