Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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