3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
