I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
