i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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