i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I AM VODKA MAN
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
