Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
