everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
