My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize