It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
