you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
