love makes seman taste better
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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