I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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