grandma shit on top of the toilet
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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