Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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