Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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