I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
