Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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