i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i may or may not be watching the land before time
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
