Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
