I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
