awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
