yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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