it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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